


Coloured bands

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Non-Binary!!! on Ice! [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Katsuki Yuuri, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Love, Mentions of homophobia, New Relationship, Non-Binary Katsuki Yuuri, Other, all in the past for the nasty stuff, mentions of transphobia, reassurance, start of romance, victor is super sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9479234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: “Have you told Victor yet?” Phichit asked before taking a drink of his water. Yuri froze completely, forgetting even to breathe.“I take that as a no” Phichit continued with a sighYuri needs to tell Victor about the coloured bands on their wrist and the reason why the Eros mindset isn't consistent but struggles until their frustrations do it for them.





	

_Colour: Pink_

“Have you told Victor yet?” Phichit asked before taking a drink of his water. Yuri froze completely, forgetting even to breathe.

“I take that as a no” Phichit continued with a sigh, “Look I kinda understand why you didn’t want to tell Ciao Ciao. He’s not really understanding about anything outside the binary but from what you’ve told me about Victor he’s generally understanding. You said ‘he meets me where I am’ even. Plus…I know how much you hate being misgendered.” Phichit told his friend. 

Yuri glanced down at her wrist where she had a pink rubber bracelet on. She had gotten into the habit of doing this in Detroit but no one in Hasteu knew what the bracelets meant or why she wore them and she hadn’t felt brave enough to tell anyone. Yuri sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

“I know I should tell him, but it’s hard to find the words. I’m afraid of being rejected again.” Yuri finally answered.

“Stop letting that one guy hold you back. He was a jerk, he pretended to be fine with you being you while you were so called ‘friends’ but the moment you wanted to date it was gross? He was an asshole and you are not gross.” Phichit continued fiercely before a shout was heard and he turned his head to shout something back, “Look I’ve gotta go, but at least try to talk to him” he said before he hung up.

Yuri sighed again, resting her head again the desk and letting out a groan of frustration. Phichit was right, she should tell Victor but knowing that didn’t make it any easier.

 

_Colour: Blue_

Yuri slammed the door of the locker room on his way in. He threw himself onto a bench and nearly ripped his skates of before throwing them down on his bag. He let out a growl of frustration before grabbing his trainers to throw them on, he’d change at home. He was too pissed off with himself. He wanted a run, a way to blow off this coil of anger at himself. It had been a week since his talk with Phichit and nothing had seemed to go right since and now today he couldn’t skate his short program properly once.

“What the hell was going on today Yuri?” Victor asked from the doorway, he sounded as on edge as Yuri felt. Yuri, his back to Victor, tensed and grit his teeth. When it became clear Yuri wasn’t going to answer Victor continued.

“Where has your Eros mindset gone? You were fine a week ago, and yesterday you did okay but you’ve completely lost it today. Why aren’t you able to get it consistently? Why aren’t you able to perform today like you did at Onsen on Ice?” Victor asked running a hand through his silver hair, his voice agitated.

“BECAUSE I’M NOT A WOMAN TODAY!”

There was a silence as they both realised what Yuri had yelled. Yuri felt his breath catch in the silence and then he was on his feet pushing past Victor and leaving his bag on the floor with his skates. He had fucked up, he hadn’t meant to tell Victor and certainly not like that.  He thought he heard Victor calling after him but he ran, just like he always did from his problems. He didn’t stop until he reached home, running past his mother who tried to talk to him about dinner he raced upstairs and into the private family bathroom where he took a shower, as hot as he dared.

Yuri stared at the tiles as the hot water hit his skin, his mind racing as he tried to control his breathing.

He was gross.

Victor would hate him.

He’d ask what Yuri meant and Yuri couldn’t lie about this…not anymore and it would all come out and Victor would leave.

He took a deep breath and then washed his hair and body before wrapping a towel around himself and going straight to his room.

When Victor got back he was dressed and sitting on his bed, he flinched when the knock came and didn’t answer when Victor called his name. There was a pause.

“Yuri we need to talk and we can’t if you won’t let me in. Please, just open the door.” Victor’s voice was soft but firm.

There was a longer pause and right as Victor was about to give up he heard Yuri answer softly.

“The door’s unlocked.”

Taking that as permission Victor came in.  He took in Yuri’s posture; head down, staring at nothing and immediately crossed to kneel on the floor in front of the younger skater. Gently resting his hands on top of Yuri’s Victor’s eyes searched the young man’s face.

“Hey Yuri, why are you so upset? Talk to me please?” Victor pleaded. There was another long silence and Yuri gave a shaky laugh.

“Because I’m gross? Because you’ll hate me and leave? Because being a man only about half the time makes me a freak and means I’ll never be properly one or the other and no one will ever want me or love me and…” Yuri pulled one of his hands out of Victor’s loose grip and covered his mouth to smother a sob. Yuri didn’t cry in front of people, ever. He closed his eyes and willed the tears back down. His voice could crack and that was fine and he’d be okay to cry once Victor left him like he would inevitably do but he would not cry here with Victor in front of him.

“First off Yuri you’re not gross or a freak.” Victor’s voice was so firm and stern it shocked Yuri into opening his eyes, his tears still pricking at the corners.  Victor’s gaze met his and it was soft and caring rather than disgusted. Yuri let the hand drop from his mouth and Victor quickly claimed it again, running his thumb in soothing circles on the back of Yuri’s hand.

“Second,” Victor continued, “You are beautiful and handsome and sexy, there will always be…people who want and love you.” Victor’s face seemed to turn slightly pink as he said that. Yuri sucked in a lung full of air. He hadn’t expected this easy acceptance. Even Phichit had had trouble wrapping his head around things.

“Now please, please tell me exactly what is going on and what you meant when you said you weren’t a woman today and that you’re a man only about half the time.” Victor said gently, pleadingly.

“I’m genderfluid.” Yuri told him in a small voice that still cracked far too much for Yuri’s liking.

“So that means sometimes you feel female and sometimes you feel male?” Victor asked.

“Mostly,” Yuri explained, calming down now that Victor didn’t seem to be disgusted, “But sometimes I feel like neither and sometimes I feel like both as well.”  Victor nodded still rubbing soothing circles on the backs of Yuri’s hands.

“Okay, it’s a little outside my area of knowledge, terms and language around this sort of thing has changed since I was a teenager after all but it’s fine.  It’s fine Yuri, there was a reason I had long hair for so long and why I try to show feminine grace in what I do. I like being androgynous. So I get it a little, but can you answer a few more questions?” He asked, his voice still gentle.

Yuri nodded after a moment.

“Okay first off, why does your gender at the moment affect your Eros?” he asked.

“Because I feel more in tune with it when I play the part of the most beautiful woman in town who seduces the playboy,” Yuri answered not realised he nodded his head toward Victor to indicate that he was the playboy nor the flush that came to Victor’s face at the suggestion, “and it’s hard to get into that mindset when I’m have a male day” he explained. Victor nodded and took a breath.

“Okay, we can find a way to work around that, for you to feel your Eros no matter what gender you feel on that day.” Victor said smiling at him. Yuri relaxed, he felt safe and supported.

“You had another question?” he asked, deciding to trust Victor.

“Okay, why do you think your gender identity will stop you being wanted or loved?” Yuri tensed at Victor’s question and looked at the floor between his feet instead of at his coach’s face.

“I realised my gender in Detroit,” he began, “College is a good place for finding about these things and it felt so right. You asked me about past lover’s before, I never did date anyone long enough to call them lover’s or even proper relationships but in my first year in Detroit I got on really well with this girl, but it was after I had found out about being genderfluid but before I was out. I asked her on a date and she said yes. We had a good time and it led to a few more dates before I told her. Then she called me...things I won't repeat...but lets just say she didn't like gay or trans people apparently. Then she told everyone else we knew and I suddenly had no friends at all.” Yuri hadn’t even told Phichit this story, it was before they knew each other and Yuri didn’t want to relive the humiliation and self-hatred but he trusted Victor more than he trusted anyone else. He felt Victor’s hands squeeze his and he looked up and was startled to see a look of anger on Victor’s face. Not directed at himself, but at the girl from the story. Yuri ducked his head back down.

“After that it got better. I met some new friends at the college at a support group for non-binary identities, I met new friends outside of that group as well. I started being out with people in college because everyone pretty much knew anyway. I came up with a system for letting people know which pronouns to call me,” he held up his hand, letting Victor keep his grip but showing the bracelet, “Blue for he/him, pink for she/her, clear for they/them” he explained, “I didn’t try to date again, too afraid but then I met this guy…” he lowered his hand and swallowed down the lump in his throat. Victor squeezed his hands reassuringly and Yuri shot him a grateful look before continuing.

“He was my friend and knew my gender identity from the start. We got really close and started flirting and I thought, this is great. He knows and he likes me anyway and maybe this could be something. So I asked him out and he…he looked so grossed out by the very thought. Said he couldn’t because he was gay and didn’t want someone who wasn’t a proper guy. After that he wouldn’t even talk to me. That’s when I realised that no one wants someone who can’t even decide what they are.” Yuri laughed a little too high pitched and brittle to be a real laugh. His breath caught as Victor surged forward to wrap his arms around Yuri in a tight embrace.

“Victor?” he asked as the hug went on for a long moment.

“Both of them were idiots” there was a fierce intensity to Victor’s voice as he held Yuri, his voice low by his ear, “if it was me you wanted I would hold on and never let go.” Victor went on. Yuri’s eyes widened and then he was clutching at Victor, his hands fisted in the back of Victor’s shirt, his eyes closed.

“And if I said I did want you? That I’ve always wanted you?” Yuri whispered.

“Hold on and never let go” Victor repeated in a fierce whisper, he pulled back to look at Yuri’s face and stare into the wide brown eyes, still edged with tears that refused to fall. He brought up a hand to caress Yuri’s cheek before leaning in to kiss him softly. It was nothing more than a quick press of their lips together and then Victor buried his head in Yuri’s lap, his arms wrapped around the younger skater’s waist.

“Please want me, please let me be yours.” There was a strange vulnerability to Victor’s voice as he clung to Yuri.

Yuri looked down at him with wide eyes and ran his fingers through Victor’s hair.

“It should be me asking you that.” He said finally. Victor looked up at him and moved up so he was sitting in Yuri’s lap, his knees resting on either side of his hips, and kissed him.

“I know you said no before the regional competition but please let me be your boyfriend.” Victor pleaded softly.

“Do you really want me?” Yuri asked searching Victor’s face for a lie.

“Yes,” Victor breathed, his hands cradling Yuri’s face.

“And tomorrow, if I’m a girl?”

“Then you will be a beautiful girl.” Victor kissed him reassuringly.

“It’s not too weird or too confusing?” Yuri asked hugging Victor close who smiled down at him.

“Why would it be confusing? You’re still Yuri. Boy, girl, both or neither you’re always Yuri and Yuri is a person who is beautiful, who creates music with their body, who thoroughly seduced me and who has the talent and drive to win the Grand Prix. I might get the wrong pronouns on the wrong days because I’m forgetful and may need to be corrected constantly but if you’re willing to have me I want nothing more than to be your boyfriend. Please, please say yes. Please tell me I haven’t been wrong this whole time.” Victor told him before burying his head in Yuri’s shoulder, who held him tighter in response.

“Yes.” Yuri whispered, “yes please be my boyfriend and I’ll be your…your….” He floundered for a non-gendered term but Victor came to his rescue kissing him again before smiling a soft happy smile down at Yuri.

“My Yuri” He said fondly, so fondly it made Yuri’s heart clench.

“Your Yuri” the younger skater agreed his face lighting up in a huge smile. 

They clung like that for awhile before the stress from before got to Yuri in the form of exhaustion and he let out a huge yawn. Victor reluctantly climbed off his lap.

"You need your sleep" he said with a sigh brushing Yuri's hair back. Yuri reached up and took his hand and looked up at him, his eyes wide and afraid. 

"Sleep with me?" he asked timidly and was rewarded with a smile of relief from Victor.

"Gladly my Yuri" Victor leaned down and kissed Yuri gently "I just need to change my clothes. I'll be right back." he said with a smile. Yuri nodded and let him go, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes with the back of one hand.

When Victor came back in Yuri was dozing on the bed but Yuri smiled as he felt the bed dip with his weight and curled into the warmth as Victor settled in beside him. Even as they settled there with Yuri nestled in Victor's arms on the verge of sleep he couldn't help but smile. Of all the ways he had imagined this conversation to go ending up with Victor as his boyfriend, as pleading for a chance to be his boyfriend, was not one he had ever imagined. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yuri's fears are based on my own that I've had. No one was this nasty to me but I was always afraid of them being like that. I didn't come out until late into a long term relationship and luckily I married well because my husband responded a lot like Victor.
> 
> The coloured bands is something a non-binary friend of mine uses. I usually use they/them for myself.
> 
> Also at the moment this is a one shot but I feel like I might have move for this going forward so we'll see.


End file.
